I did not sleep last night. It's almost 4 am now, and I'm lying here alone again, my body is so tired, but my mind isn't and it's killing me, I keep replaying our favorite memories over and over again... Till I break...
Then I pick up the pieces on my own and try to fix myself. But it's never the same, It's never going to be the same... I'm never going to be the same...!
I went away for a bit and wasn't sure exactly when I would return. We tried to stay in touch but you slowly faded away from me. I figured you found someone else to talk to. Someone who could be there for you because I couldn't and because I couldn't trust myself to love you again, after the last message that you sent to me on my phone. I was ok with it because I want you to finally be happy and I heard that you were, so I was content.
I tried to get back into the "finding a love" for myself but I couldn't "find" myself to be attracted to any other girl because I was always comparing them to Miss K. You became the gold standard, the absolute shining example, the golden pearl of what I want. Nothing more and nothing less than what you were. It was then that I became conscious of how much I truly love you Miss K. and wouldn't want anything else but you again..
I want you to be happy, and I understand that your life no longer includes me. What I don't understand is how it's possible to just stop loving someone, just like that...
I’ve felt heartbreak and I know what it feels like to want someone who doesn’t want you. It isn’t easy. I’ve also been in a relationship with someone I never really had in common with. I think that’s why I appreciate this relationship so much – I feel lucky. Lucky to have someone with whom I share both interests and attraction. I’ve fallen in love with you 7 years back and I hope and plan to keep it this way, although I know that someday I’ll fall out of your love badly..!
But...I love you K. And as painful as it is, if it came down to it, I think I've accepted the loss. More than wanting you, I want you to be happy because that's what love is suppose to be, right?
"If Miss K. is happy with someone else then so be it. But I don't think it will stop me from loving you, does it?"
"It's just that now, I am so happy, and so free from what it was that made me need someone, and I am so thankful I met you. Not because you were the segway to me meeting the love of my life, but because you showed me that love can change from a fast wet car, to unremitting thankfulness. If I hadn't have met you, I would have destroyed my youth. I would have never known what it was to feel truly alive, and truly young. I am so thankful for all the moments we shared that got us through things nobody but ourselves will understand. I guess part of me yearns for that reciprocity, but above all, your forgiveness… Maybe this silence, and this old love and new life each of us has, is enough. I think this instance is when love becomes a sense of closure only hind-sight can give us; affirming that sometimes when two people who were once lovers, can smile because they realize meeting each other and then moving on, were equally the best things that could have happened to one another." -Thanks Jenny
I have learned to listen to my heart. I have learned that if you never make room for better things and better ways to be, if you never clear out the things in your life that stand in the way of your happiness, then you are not aligning your universe to allow for amazing things. In this life, you don’t find yourself. You create yourself. And the same goes for love: you don’t find love, you create a road for love to travel and wait for it to come. -Miss K.