Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I won't ever go again

Reading my own blog, only one thing that captures me is your face. It reminds me how we were together back then, those stories in our unspoken words were magical and something which can't be described; can only be felt in heart and soul.

Many of my friends appreciates what I'm doing because they think I have a good flair of writing that touches their hearts but the truth is that they don't know how I feel, how I'm coping up to overcome your thoughts in my memory. Those thoughts that continuously haunting me every time I met similar objects, places, words, expressions and emotions that relates to you in some or the other way. Its like when people don't know what's going on, they speculate; when they think they know it, they simply fabricate it & when they do know they just hate... I simply hate the fact that I know it very well, and the worst part I have walk away with a fabricated smile for their speculation.

You know it's sad how people claim that they love you, care about you, and yet they replace you so quickly and move to someone else just because they didn't mean it forever. Love is ache, a world that which is filled with a single rose and million thorns.

I came across a similar kind of story of my friend who use to love someone so deeply that she can't go an hour without thinking and talking about him, so much that she just wanted to live forever with that boy, they were perfect together, like they were made for each other... Years passed and she moved to new place far away from his memories with her family, made new friends and started to settle down with the change but it didn't took time and their distances killed their relationship. And sooner they got separated and she never went back to him.
...Perhaps they took a right decision or may be not, who knows the right answer? She never told anything about him after that and that's how story ended. If you are wondering what? who? Where? When? And How? Answer to these questions is that it's my own story, she-he is I-her and rest of things are not much of relevance so you can ignore it anyhow.

Ahhh.. So, I don't have a flair of anything and if is something, it is surely a bad experience of love...
"I probably won't ever go again. That's how bad it's gotten. Not unless something changes"

Sunday, February 2, 2014


I was walking by the bay..along the seashore..under the hot summer sunny Sunday…..
And as I looked back…

There was a vivid ray of sunlight directly shining upon me…then I have come to realized, it had been three years…three long years since that day I’ve met this guy who meant so much to me…

Social networking sites are rampant nowadays, wherein people around the globe meet different kind of people, in race and in attitude. They differ in culture, differ in Religion, differ in beliefs and differ in many aspects of life. Humans are humans, individual differences there is;  but still, they have something in common,  the mind that thinks, the body that responds, the soul that moves emotion and most, and foremost, the heart that loves. And, we only have One  Mighty God who truly protects and loves.

Everybody seeks a friend who could turn a gloomy day into a real happy moment. A friend who will  always be ready to share life’s experiences, strengths and hopes . One who gives guidance, offers wisdom and understanding and one who cares for you through the good times and a constant light through the bad. The bond of Friendship is everlasting. It is the most valuable gift men could ever have. It completes our desire to love and be loved…to understand and be understood. It is that closeness that makes us feel connected….It’s like magic…turning a fantasy into a reality….miles away becomes so near….Filipinos, Indians, Americans, Chinese and many other race become one….in Friendship….in Love.

It all started in a simple ,“Hi”….”Hello”…”How are you?”…”Take care”…”Sweet Dreams”….. unending words of care, undefinable words which show longinglyness and compassion. Everyday seemed to be so perfect. I can see the sun smiling down on me…The blue sky keeps on moving as I watched the different clowns dancing and it looks  like different  forms were painted to make me happy.

That was when I met you…..

There isn’t any day that you failed to send me a message of hope and encouragement. You have shown your innermost insights and feelings in your own special ways. There maybe times when, strong wind and thunder, heavy rains and storms come to test our friendship but even then, like in life, we treated those as light burdens. Our relationship could simply be compared to a roller-coaster ride, it has its ups and downs. Sometimes we fear, we feel pain and trouble but we never complained. We believed that our relationship can last a lifetime.

When my life was going too fast, off the train tracks, you made a way to slow it down so you can be right where I was. You have taught me many things; Great Sense of Responsibility, Self-Respect, Self-Endurance, Honesty, Brilliance, Hope, Patience and Most, LOVE,for both Men and God...
And as I looked back at everything we’ve shared, where we have been, through thick and thin, whenever we share both joys of ecstatic feeling of intimacy over dramatically intense feeling of grief and despair brought about by physical absence, I have learned what it meant to stand the test of time, and this lesson is invaluable. In this life, I would always loved to thank God for our lasting friendship.

No matter how much time had passed, when we interact, when we talk, we pick up right where we left off. And this is greatly amazing!

I have watched you changed through the years…. You’ve grown physically, you’ve greatly developed your inner thought and talents and strongly built confidence within you. You’ve come to accept the things and somehow, uprooted the racial and religious prejudice which evolved in our relationship, and this, I am gratefully overwhelmed of what you have become. "You are a Great Friend who in one package; a Trusted Friend, a Dreamer, a Gifted Writer and a Poet in one. You are a Man of wisdom"!

Jenny :)

Friday, November 29, 2013

The Darkness inside

...Leaving the trails that portrayed me like this..!!!
As the curtains fall it showed the real me, which was something i never thought i would be.
I was on the wrong side and was standing with bunch of Hypocrites who were expecting something unexpected from me.
I remembered the time when it seems like all was "perfect", i was doing good for everyone. But then I met the reality.....

Sunday, November 3, 2013

I need you this summer

…Sometimes, I wish for change. Sometimes I wish that men would be nicer and that women could make up their minds about what they want once in a-while. Sometimes I wish that she will come back to me and love me again. Most times I don’t. Wish for that, I mean. Because I know now that I miss something that no longer exists. Something that disappeared a few years back and that probably won’t find it’s way back anytime soon. Other people have started to notice too. Asked me about it. Come to me with their questions hoping that I have answers. Most time I don’t. She is gone, lost. I saw her the other day and her smile was broken. Not literally speaking of course, she doesn’t get into fights or anything, she’s not like that. At least she wasn’t before. It was her smile that gave her away. The smile that I had studied for a year and knew by heart had changed into a grim smile. Suddenly it starting calling out for help.

And that was when I knew. I am going to help her. Because she is the one. She is my soulmate. She is my everything. And I owe it to her. I owe it to us… ”It is better to have tried and failed than to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I actually got through to her and helped her find his way back. To me. To her. To life. To us.”
(5 years back..)
I spent one year out of my life with you. Just one. Just one measly year out of 21 years of my existence and the impact you left still keeps me wondering about you from time to time. I met you at a strange time in my life. I was still talking to another girl who had completely and utterly destroyed my heart and I was trying to win her back and move on from her, all at the same time. My heart was a mess but you never found that out about me and maybe that's why you meant so much to me, because in you, I found a girl who was completely new.. Right then, right in that moment- I knew that I could fall so dangerously hard for you, but I also knew that it was impossible- that you were basically just a figment of my imagination from here on out, and that for once in my life, I could be a boy whom both you and I had never met. You made me smile so big, you gave me butterflies, and you had real manners. You told me about your life; about how much you hated liars, how grey it always was and how much you loved being over here. You told me about your little brother and his craze for GTA vice city. You told me about your mom and dad and what they did for a living. You told me about being yelled at every time you see a cat while in kitchen. You told me about my own city, you knew more about this beautiful place than I had known, I felt like the tourist. I had so much fun with you, I laughed and i blushed and I felt so important to you. I learned that you laugh lil’ weird but very cute “ha ha ha…”  instead of saying thanks, that you love to have rajasthani cuisine and you hated rice, that your choice of having a 5 star chocolate instead of dairymilk chocolates matches perfectly with me. I was just genuinely captivated by everything you were.

I never saw you after that. You moved to a real world, clear across the world from me. We kept in touch for a bit, but eventually your contact became less and less until you faded away. I can only assume by now you have met another boy to captivate for the life. But thank you. Thank you for that one year. Thank you for holding doors open for me, thank you for paying for my mobile recharges, thank you for making me happy even for a moment.

I always wonder why life sends you these people who steal your heart in an instant, only to let them disappear shortly after. I always wonder what these fleeting people in life are supposed to mean to you. I wonder how it's possible to meet someone and feel so at home with them when you can't even name their favorite color. I don't quite know the answer, but I do know this: at a time when I was completely broken, you showed me what it was to feel again and for that I will never forget you. You have forever captivated me in one year in a way that it would take some, years to do. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and you'll never know which someone is bound to be and even more, you don't have a choice in deciding. You were a reason, but god, how I would have loved to spend a lifetime with you.
I want to see you this summer, I just don’t know if you want to see me again, I believe that what we had was something special, I know it seem silly and that I am a dreamer. I want to believe that you are my love and I want you to be my love.

I wish I could talk to you about it, face to face but today I don’t know if I have to courage to tell you.

I want to be with you.

“I had a dream the other night about how we only get one life, woke me up right after two… stayed awake and stared at your photographs. So I wouldn't lose my mind, if we only die once I wanna die with, if we only live once I wanna live with you…”

“A” Missing you Miss. “K.S”   (AKS)  

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

My best kept secret

My therapist said I should write you a letter. Free hand, she said. Just keep writing and writing. But if I did this with a pen my arm would give out much faster than my fingers would typing on a computer. So I went for the 21st century version of writing a letter. I feel almost angry writing this, knowing you’ll never read it. I know you’ll never read it because I’ll never have the guts to give it to you. There’s no point. It’d be like reading a letter from a stranger. Because that’s what we are. What we’ve become. “Strangers”. I don’t even know how either of us would react were we to pass one another on the street. Would we smile? Light up with joy? Or be shy and coy? Would we ignore one another, or pretend like we hadn’t seen each other and quickly glance the other way? Would it be awkward or extraordinary? My therapist knows a few things about me. Where I go to college, my relationship with my parents, what I want to be, my addictions. And last week she learned another thing about me. I am a hopeless romantic. I am a 21 year old boy holding onto the relationship I had when I was a 16 year old because I’ve yet to find another relationship as fulfilling since ours. As I was explaining our story to her I could hear and feel how pathetic I sounded. How delusional. Am I hitting stalker potential? Is it you I miss or the feelings that relationship gave me? I know how crazy I sound. “Let go” everyone I’ve ever told our story to says, “you need to learn to let go”. But how does one go about doing that? It’s been five years since I’ve seen you. Six since we’ve broken up. Don’t you think if I knew how to let go I would have done it by now?! I feel like screaming at them all.

Most days I am able to convince myself I think about you so often because I long to be in love again. And you were the only person I’ve ever experienced that with. And then other days I am imagining scenarios in my head of what I’d do if we met face to face again. A lot of the time I wonder if you ever think of me. If you wonder what I’m doing. I mean I live down somewhere on the same planet, I’m your ex boyfriend, your first serious relationship you must think of me sometimes, right? Writing this I feel so foolish. I see on paper the thoughts and feelings in my head that I am ashamed of. This is really getting quite old you know? I’m sick of talking about it myself. I wish I could see you once more soon, this summer even, just so I can get the idea of seeing you out of my head. And maybe then I’ll feel better. I don’t know why it is I feel the need to see you. I think the spiteful part of me just wants to see how you’d react.

You nailed it on the head when signing my high school yearbook, “I guess the saddest thing about our whole situation is that there was no definite ending.” You can say that again. I need an ending. I don’t leave things half finished or with a “…. To be continued” on the end. You’ve gone on and written your love stories while I am still here waiting for the final unfinished chapter of ours. This is a co-author deal here ”K”, I can’t write the ending alone. GOD I sound like such a psycho ex boyfriend. But I often wonder do you talk to your friends about me at all?

I guess I just don’t understand how someone can mean so much to you and then you’re okay with never seeing them again. I’ve been okay with not seeing my friends because I wasn’t in love with them, they came and they go after every three years, you know why, right? I was only ever in love with you, and I know in my heart you were in love with me too. How do you fall out of love? More importantly how do you fall out of your first love? Is it possible to? Is it really possible to ever fully move on? Or do we just find someone else to fall in love with to fill the void? I think the saddest thing about my still thinking about this all these years later is I don’t even really know you now. We’ve been apart five years since high school and we’ve both changed, and grown, and become two totally different people from who we were when we were 15. In a way as a result of the ending of our relationship and the obviousness that we weren’t getting back together I think I started to love myself a little less. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for me to lose myself in the college scene. I’ve changed a lot you know. Not so great in some ways. I’ve damaged my body, my relationships, my trustworthiness, and most of all my spirit. You said not to lose myself among the crowd, to stand out and be individualistic. Is that what you loved about me so much? That back when I was in high school I didn’t care about fitting in? I don’t blame the friends I’ve made, I have made some wonderful ones along the way don’t get me wrong. They have pulled me out of some of my darkest nights, moments I would never dare to bring up again. I blame my inability to say no when it was appropriate. But it would be so easy to blame you for all of my downfalls the last five years. I’ve tried relationships but... I’ve run away from opportunities to be loved. I’ve been reckless with others’ hearts. I have been chaotic. And I’m not proud. But I’m learning and working on it and trying to get myself back to a place where I’m not afraid to look in the mirror. But you don't know any of this about me.

So I wake up everyday, go to work, go to class, go to family functions, hang out with friends, take showers, listen to music, read books, eat dinner with my family, go to temple, run in my neighborhood, go to the grocery store and the mall, order coffee at CCD, text several people a day, see a therapist, write in a diary, stay up late, do all of this and all the awhile no one I come in contact with ever knows that I am always thinking of you. You have always been my best kept secret.

Friday, February 22, 2013

when we were together

Everyone always wants to know how you can tell when it’s true love, and I think the answer is this: when the pain doesn't fade and the scars don’t heal, and it’s too damned late.

I loved you because you observed me as no one has, in my silence, you captured my habits, and quirks and still loved me. Last summer meant so much to me. More than you can ever imagine. And when you left I was a wreck. The letters I sent I tried to seem okay but I wasn't, I cried every night and every day I would wait for you to come back. In our time together you claimed a special place in my heart, one I’ll carry with me forever and that no one can replace. I believe that memories can have a physical almost living presence, and the times we shared are the best I've got. When I close my eyes I can see your face, when I walk it’s almost as if I can feel your hand in mine. Those things are still real to me, but where they once brought comfort, now they leave me with an ache. I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.

I fell in love you when we were together, I fell more in love with you when we were apart. I think that is dumb of me to say because while I was falling you were being hardened, trained, and sculpted into a person that I didn’t know. But I guess if you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly but it’s still worth it.

“I never planned on falling in love with you, and in a different way your family, I always thought it to be unnecessary and messy. I learned the hard way that I was right.”

I often remember our intimate moments together, the way we shared ourselves completely I feel as if that time has permanently linked our souls. I never opened myself up to anyone like that, and I hope I never have to do that again. I hope that you are the only one who knows each and every one of my secrets and fears, I hope that no one else hears my voice telling them that I love them when I first wake up or that I fall asleep in almost every movie theater. I hope that no one knows that you twitch when you sleep. I hope that no one comes to know the sound you make when a certain spot on your neck is kissed or that you might be the perfect girl.

I miss you, whenever something funny happens you’re the person I want to tell. I want to make dinner for you and buy birthday cake ice cream because I saw it in the store and remembered it is your favorite. I want to fight with you, and explain, in depth, why the TRUTH is better than the DARE. I want to pretend to be interested in your dress selection  and kiss you goodnight every single night. You and I shared something wonderful and I never want to forget that. You are truly one of a kind.

You’re thoughtful and honest, a true person, but more than that you are the first girl I ever truly loved and no matter what the future brings, you always will be, and I know that my life is better for it.

I love you, always.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Goodbyes are never Perfect...

I wrote this nearly two years ago, the void is still there.

Nothing in life is certain, people, places and occurrences come and go. Nothing in this world is permanent. Life is a fleeting moment that reforms in each new passing instant. And while nothing is permanent, we are still affected and moved in unexpected ways. People that you never expected to hold significance in your life, become the ones hardest to forget. They stroll into your life as insignificant as single leaf is to a tree. And in a season or two, they fall, and their loss strikes a surprising pain.

Naked is the only way to describe how the loss of something so presumably insignificant makes you feel. You find that the smallest things throw you into memories that now seem so bittersweet and haunting. Every memory glorified to be almost unworldly perfect, but when you strain hard enough the flawed details surface, and realize your perceived reality is skewed. I can only equate this phenomenon to that of when someone dies. Suddenly their memory is perfect, every flaw vanishes. It’s not that they were perfect in reality, but rather from some reason we torture ourselves by believing their memory is flawless, making their severance nearly impossible and painstakingly difficult.

This same situation holds true when you must muster an agonizing goodbye to someone close who moves to a different country, state, or even city. Their tie becomes almost impossible to cut as you trick yourself into believing every moment with them was much more magical than in reality it was. Their loss strikes a plaguing fear; the fear of forgetting them, and the fear of never finding someone to fill the empty void they left. While your common sense tells you that your void is not permanent, for nothing is, you heart is heavy with the notion that you emptiness is impermeable. It is simply easier to tend to the haunting memories of a past lover than to lend your fractured being someone who could easily, “kick you while you’re down,” so to speak. But what is even more difficult than saying a goodbye is to see the world in someone who sees nothing, to value their life above your own when they value their own at less than the worth of a single penny. To hear the words, “I want to die,” from someone so close feels like a knife plunging right the bottom of your soul. It obliterates every last bit of you, leaving you entirely hallow. Hopelessly all you can do is wish and pray that they find all the things that you have found in them. Hope that they discover why you fell in love with them, why you felt they were worth tearing down your fear of vulnerability for. To deal with a goodbye is hard enough, but deal with the idea that the person you feel so deeply for is suicidal is beyond what any words can describe. And then to be constantly bombarded with the question of how do you feel about so and so leaving is beyond difficult. You want to scream everything that you are feeling. You want to break down and cry and tell them how you are riddled with fear, confusion, and pain, but that’s not what people really want to hear. So you do what is easiest for them and for you and you say that you couldn’t care less, even though it is the furthest thing from the truth.

I know that time heals all. I know eventually people will stop asking, and it will get easier. While a big part of me wishes I could forget everything, an even bigger part of me has believe that everything has purpose. While the purpose may not be clear now, I have hope that someday it will be. That is the beauty of fate. I have hope that things will get better not just on my end, but on her as well. Severance is never easy, goodbyes are never perfect, and I’m finally at peace with that. So goodbye and take care, may you find joy in all that you do. I only have the best of wishes for you.